hope is the anchor for the soul

October is a good month.  Always has been.  Fall is my all-time favorite season. I love the colors. I love the coolness in the air.  I love scarves, sweaters, & boots.  I love bonfires, s'mores, corn mazes and hot chocolate. I love college football. One of my all-time favorite "happies" is driving along on a back road with beautiful fall leaves blowing across the road.  Makes me feel like I'm in a movie :) I just tend to be happier this time of year. 


Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall. - F. Scott Fitzgerald


This year, that is even more true.  For those that haven't heard yet...Nora and I are purchasing our very first home!! After renting and moving so much for the past six years, I think it's about time.  And let me tell you, it's perfect.  What I wanted most was an awesome fenced in back yard for Nora to play in.  Well this house has it! It's a 2bdrm house that sits on 2 lots.  The back yard is huge and the sellers are leaving a wooden play area also! There are several fruit trees in the yard too! Closing is the end of this month!

Update: Aaron and I are still separated. Four months separated actually.  He's moved on, and he has no communication with us. Some things just don't go the way we want them to and some days are especially tough.  These past few days being some of those. A few weeks ago marked our one year wedding anniversary.  You know, I can be completely fine for weeks.  I can be all "let's get those papers ready and get them signed!"  But then some days, I cave. And some people just can't understand that.  They think that after the hard times we went through and after what he's doing now, that I should be done.  It should be easy to let that stage of my life come to end.  Well, it isn't.  I didn't want to be a divorced mom at the age of 26. I didn't want Nora to grow up without a daddy in her life.  Eighteen months ago today,  Aaron was by my side when the Lord so graciously allowed us to bring a beautiful gift into this world.  God entrusted His creation to us, not just me.  She is sooooo amazing... and super intelligent.  And Aaron isn't here. He isn't here experiencing the joy of hearing Nora say new words.  He isn't here getting kiss after kiss from her or squeezes around the neck.  He isn't here to see how excited she gets when her mommy walks in the door or to hear her giggle when she thinks she's doing something funny.  He isn't here.  And it isn't because he's passed away.  It isn't because he lives in a different state.  It's because of his own free will.  You'd think that would make me angry, but it fills me with such sadness.  It's hard to just stand still and wait for the Lord but I know that if I continue to lift my eyes up and let Him steer my life (instead of me), that everything will be just fine.  God still has a plan for me and my incredibly precious little girl. And that's what keeps a smile on my face.

Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.  And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.

Hebrews 6:19
Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil;

But joy will come in the morning

I confessed in my last post that I am separated.  Well, we are three months in now and boy, has it been something.  I think anyone going through tests like this experience a whirlwind of emotions.  Add being a woman on top of all that....yeah, whoa. I have been cold, not even thinking the least bit about it.  And I have been a crying mess, telling myself that it's all my fault. I honestly do not know how people can get through these battles with knowing that God is guiding them and He knows what He's doing.  I don't want this to be a finger-pointing vomit of feelings.  I just want anyone that's going through something like this to know that it is so easily possibly to have joy in the midst of the storm.  I have prayed all along that God's will would be shown and I that I would know, without a doubt, what I was supposed to do.  So a couple weeks back, I contacted my husband for the first time in months and for about 8 days, we spent time together. They were not happy 8 days, I can tell you that.  All the problems we've had for a year were laid out on the table and talked and talked and talked about.  Let me rewind and say that the day I moved the rest of my things out of the house was a month after I initially left and one day after I saw him with someone else.  Now, back to those 8 days... Each time we met, he would tell me over and over that he wasn't seeing enough "try" out of me and he wasn't hearing what he wanted to hear.  When he would bring up things he didn't particularly care for that I do, he didn't want my explanations, he just wanted an apology.  I couldn't express my feelings without them being wrong.  It was pretty much torment.  Stressful, overwhelming, joy-stealing, tearful torment. Even after confessing the adultery, he would excuse it away with the blame that I was the one that left.  He never once seemed apologetic or remorseful.  He just kept asking over and over, "Well how bad do you want this to work?" Let's just say, I got the answer and the peace that I had prayed for.  I'm free.  I know that God has so much in store for me and my precious, beautiful, silly baby girl (whom he has yet to ask to see.) Don't get me wrong. I don't wish him any wrong.  Nora and I say a prayer for him every night, that he would find himself and that God would just wrap His arms around him. I know divorce is not and has never been God's plan, but I do know that He has the power to forgive and to heal and to help us start over, give His people a new beginning.  Please keep us in your prayers, all three of us.

 

Praise the Lord that His mercies are new every morning!!
Lamentations 3:21-23

Let me introduce myself:

I'm new to this blogging thing. Not that I've never wanted to write, just that I always seem to have more important things that need to be done (don't we all?!). It's hard to find a solid 45 minutes of peace and quiet when you have a gorgeous, overly active 15 month old daughter. She is my life...and I'm pretty sure she knows it :) I am a twenty-six year old mom.  I grew up in a Christian family. I have parents and brothers (and sisters-in-law and a niece and a nephew) who love me and would do anything for me, & vice versa.  I have a large extended family (my mom is one of nine sisters) that is constantly growing.  I have been on mission trips. I have held orphaned children. I have traveled to breath-taking places. I have stood in the middle of a crowd of foreign-speaking people as they raised their hands and verbally gave their hearts and lives over to Jesus Christ.  I have been kissed on the Eiffel Tower. I have a best friend who just so happens to bear the same first name as I do.  I have given birth to the most beautiful 6lb8oz little girl. But I have also stumbled.  I have been given a free ride to any college I wanted to go to, but I didn't take it.  I have lost touch of some really great people that I never thought wouldn't be in my life.  I became a Christian when I was six years old, but I've yet to personally lead someone in the sinner's prayer.  I've walked closely with Jesus but I've also felt so far away from Him that I thought it was hopeless to try to hear from Him again.  I've spoken uplifting words to people but I've also used words to hurt. I'm a twenty-six year old Christian woman who is separated from her husband. I'm just here to say, that no matter who you are, no matter how astonishing your life may be, stuff  happens.  But, no matter who you are, no matter how joy-less your life can get...there is a Remedy.  Of course we hit rough patches.  It's the highs and the lows that shape us and mold us into who we are supposed to be.  God uses it all (& thank goodness, right??).   He knew from the beginning of time how each and every one of us would succeed AND how we would fail.  We're human! He's got the power to turn the worst story around and use it to glorify Him. So, this is me, a twenty-six year old human, and this is my life, my story, my journey.  And He's walked with me and continues to walk with me every step of the way.  How else could I make it in this crazy world?